


Wait For It

by SincerelyV



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: A lot of heart ache, Alexander is looking out for John from the other side, Character Death, It's kinda sad, John just wants his boyfriend back, John's life after Alexander's death, M/M, not much dialogue, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 07:11:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11270583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SincerelyV/pseuds/SincerelyV
Summary: There was something to losing your best friend; something to seeing the last remnants of life drift from their eyes; something to watching that last breath leave their lungs; something to hearing that last, heart wrenching ‘I love you’ escape their lips.There was something to losing the love of your life that left John empty.His scent was still draped about the apartment, in his old clothes, in the sheets of their bed. His voice still echoed in the halls, calling out to John, his laughter filling every room. His eyes still shone in John’s memory, looking up at him after their first kiss, the light leaving them in his final moments.





	Wait For It

 There was something to losing your best friend; something to seeing the last remnants of life drift from their eyes; something to watching that last breath leave their lungs; something to hearing that last, heart wrenching ‘I love you’ escape their lips.

There was something to losing the love of your life that left John empty.

Vacant.

Hollow.

 _Abandoned_.

And every other word his friends told him was normal to feel. After all, they would reason, watching your best friend die would leave anyone reeling. But it was more than that. _Alexander_ was more than that.

He was still everywhere, his memory was like spilled wine, it stained all he touched, never to be forgotten.

His scent was still draped about the apartment, in his old clothes, in the sheets of their bed. His voice still echoed in the halls, calling out to John, his laughter filling every room. His eyes still shone in John’s memory, looking up at him after their first kiss, the light leaving them in his final moments.

But worst of all, it was _him_ , wherever John went. Alexander was there. In the window of his favorite coffee shop, sipping a drink as he worked on another essay; in the desk beside him in class, scribbling down notes; curled next to John in bed, snuggling into his chest as he slept.

He could almost live in those moments, pretending Alexander wasn’t gone, that he was still there, right where he should be, at John’s side. But it never lasted, something would always come along, reminding John of the truth, of the present. And he would be forced to face reality, his Alexander was dead and no matter how much he tried to forget, John was all alone.

 

* * *

 

Time went on, of course, it stops for no one, not even John, not even Alexander. Years went by, John tried to resist it, but Alexander’s memory faded to the background, a painful thought reserved only for John’s darkest nights. It was easier that way, to forget, to pretend it never happened. To pretend Alexander hadn’t happened.

Eventually, John met a woman, Martha, they dated for a while and, within months, she had moved in.

The apartment was overcome with _her_ perfume, _her_ voice would sound from the hall, _her_ eyes would be the last image etched onto John’s eyelids when he went to sleep. Slowly, Martha had managed to fill some of the hole Alex had left within John. Never all of it, but a portion.

It’d been John who proposed. He’d taken her out to the nicest restaurant he could afford and enlisted the help of his friends to make it as perfect as he could.

The evening went well, they laughed and ate and, somewhere along the way, he pulled out the ring.

Alexander had been there, John wasn’t sure how he knew, but he could feel it. He’d been at his side the entire time, he could feel the heartbreak, but most of all, he could feel a resolute acceptance, as though he were giving John his blessing. As though he were saying, “ _go, be happy, I love you._ ”

But his presence seemed to disappear the moment John got on one knee and asked Martha to spend her life with him. He’d used the same ring meant for Alexander, all that time ago.

Two months later, they were married. He’d been there too. Watching the ceremony beside Lafayette and Hercules. His presence was that of a grieving one this time, but he did nothing to interfere. Smiling sadly at John before vanishing. He didn’t him for the remainder of the night.

Life together worked well enough, for a while. Things were peaceful, he and Martha had moved out of the apartment. The neighborhood would never be suitable for children, Martha had reasoned.

Only, there never were children, no matter what they tried. No matter how hard Martha prayed, no matter how often she pleaded with the God she believed in so much. No matter how many adoption agencies they visited or doctors they spoke to.

John figured that was when things first began to fall apart. Martha had been heart broken, she’d used to tell him her dreams of motherhood, the names she’d picked out as a child, what it would be like to hold the child in her arms for the first time. The dream had faded, she never mentioned the idea anymore, they even moved back to the city. It was cheaper than a house, she’d reasoned, but John knew she was only trying to convince herself.

They weren’t far from where his old apartment, he’d pass it on the way to work sometimes. He never visited.  

Things with Martha began to come to a halt. It was John’s fault in the end, he couldn’t give her children and every so often, John would find himself calling for Alexander, not Martha. He couldn’t give her what she deserved and when Martha finally walked out, John bid her well and helped with her bags. He wasn’t sure what happened to Martha after that, she’d left New York and that was the last he heard of her. She’d left the ring and John took to wearing it round his neck. His own little memorial to lost loves.

But Alexander had been there then, too. Slipping his hand in John’s, their fingers locking together, only for John to find air when he finally noticed. Other times, a soft whisper in the back of his head, urging him forward, never letting him give up. And once, a pair of arms wrapping around him in bed, not leaving until the sun came up the next morning.

In time, John got better, he learned to live on his own again, and Alexander disappeared. Lafayette and Hercules, true friends as always, took his place. They were over often, never leaving him alone for long and when John showed up at their house, shaking from whatever nightmare had woken him that particular night, they’d welcome him inside, offering up whatever solace they could and never once asking what he’d dreamed of. They already knew.

Life went on and, suddenly, ten years had passed. John was thirty now, he wasn’t sure how he’d made it so far. The night Alexander had died, John hadn’t believed he would make it much farther, had thought he’d die right then.

Yet, somehow, a decade had managed to slip by like sand between John’s fingers. But the sand was running out now, he could feel it.

He hadn’t even planned to go out that night. It was too cold, Alexander had always hated the cold, maybe he had good reason to. John had found quickly that he couldn’t stand the sight of home, not that night. He needed to get away and had decided to take Lafayette up on his offer to come over. He and Hercules always invited John over for the anniversary, insisted that he shouldn’t be alone, that they should honor their friend together.

But it was snowing and the moon provided no light to see by that night. There must have been an ice patch in the road, because the car spun from the road and suddenly there were lights all around him. Lafayette was there, Hercules too, and then he was at the hospital.

Lucky, doctors had called him, the car had been crushed, but John was fine. No one could explain it.

He never told his friends that Alexander had been there. They didn’t know he’d ever been there, not in the beginning, or when he’d proposed, or when Martha had gone. They had no idea Alexander had protected John that night, had kept him safe as the world whirled around him. He’d shaken his head, saying he always knew the cold was after them, before disappearing when the paramedics arrived. John never found out who had called them to begin with.

He stayed with his friends after that, they didn’t like the thought of John living on his own. The thought of another accident occurring seemed to terrify them. He knew they couldn’t lose John too, so he’d agreed.

It was nice, his life didn’t feel as lonely as it once had, things had begun to look up in John’s life. For the first time in a long time, he was happy.

He should have known it wouldn’t last, nothing good ever did. Lafayette’s father had gotten sick, so he and Hercules had left for France to help with the family, they eventually decided to stay. John was left alone in New York. He was always left alone.  

 

John was reaching the end of his life, he could feel it. He was seventy now, nearly fifty years had passed since Alexander. He hadn’t seen him in a long time, but maybe that’s how he knew it was coming. Things were winding to a close, John’s story was ending.

He didn’t mind much, Hercules had died a few years ago, Lafayette had followed soon after, unable to live without his love. He’d been there for both of them, had saved for months to get a ticket out to France, had held both their hands as the final breaths left their bodies.

John just wanted to see his friends again, he wanted to see his Alexander again, wanted to keep seeing him, never having to worry that he would disappear.

He wanted to be in love again.

So, when John felt his eyes begin to droop that final night, he didn’t fight it. He felt his breath thin and the strength leave his bones.

 

* * *

 

When John next opened his eyes, he was twenty again, back in his old apartment, just as he had left.

And there they were, all of them.

Hercules held Lafayette close, smiling, tears evident in both their eyes. He saw Martha too, she watched from the doorway, a man at her side and a child in her arms. He was glad she’d found someone new, she deserved it.

Then, familiar eyes met John’s, the ones that had haunted his memories for so long. The ones he had seen a hundred time, the ones that had saved his life more times than John could remember.

Alexander smiling as he leaned forward and John found himself pulling him closer, kissing him gently, just like he had so many times before.

“I helped when I could, but it was so hard, knowing I couldn’t stay,” Alexander said when they pulled away.

“I’ve missed you,” was all he could say.

“And I you. I should hope you can still love me, after all this time?”

John kissed him again, blinking back tears.

“I never stopped.” 

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this while dealing with some of my own heart ache. Honestly, I wish I could turn emotions off sometimes, not permanently or anything, just for a little while. For a break, you know?  
> But anyway, I hope you liked this, I highly doubt there'll be any other parts, unless I did one from Alexander's perspective or something. I'd have to be in the right mood to do that though, I guess we'll see. I kind of like how this is right now, though, it's a happy ending...Well, everyone ends up dead, but they're happy! Anyway, I should go, it's three in the morning over here and I still wanted to look over the next chapter for 'You're On Your Own (But Not Really). I may just do that in the morning though, I'm emotionally exhausted right now. I don't know...  
> Either way, something will be up Friday, as usual.  
> Until then, see ya!


End file.
